Most of the time I tolerate my MS pretty well. But every now and then I wake up really furious that I have MS. Today is one of those days.
I’m going to be 40 next month and what I would really like to do is start every day with a run by the sea and return feeling elated and buzzing with endorphins. Unfortunately the best I can manage at the moment is a very short stroll to the beach, whilst dragging my dodgy leg along behind me. I want to be fit, have boundless energy to race around with my kids, run lots of yoga classes, clear out the 5 years worth of crap that’s in the shed, declutter my house, make fabulous cakes and bread and look effortlessly stylish (!). At best I can maintain what I have now which is a fraction of the above. And most days I feel incredibly happy and grateful for what I do have. Which is pretty awesome.
But today I am feeling fed up. I am thinking about the fact that I AM going to deteriorate. Hopefully slowly, but who knows? As I’ve said before, MS is unpredictable, so what if my disease suddenly starts to progress much more quickly than I thought it would?
However it goes, I am already disabled. Limited. I really hate limited. Walking is already something that I can’t take for granted every day. I sometimes think about all those lazy and able bodied days that I wasted sitting around thinking I had forever to do stuff.
I wonder if this is what it’s like to be old. My brain thinks my body is still 25. Limitless and 25. Although thinking about it, if I was still 25 I would probably have woken up this morning with a hangover and my dodgy ex-boyfriend – swings and roundabouts eh?!?!